we never grow out of this of this feeling that we won't give up
by absolutefaith
Summary: "Let's face it, we are toxic for each other. And it has to stop."


_This is me trying again. I had this idea in my mind for some time now, and I read this quote from one of my favorite comic books. Also, I was trying to read a fic and the writer said that he hates Felicity, and he thinks that they (Felicity and Oliver) have a toxic relationship. I closed the window immediately because, even if I don't agree with his (or her) point of view, it's not my place to say something bad at and to her (or him)._

 _So this is what I came up with._

 _This is not reviewed so I apologize._

 _Sets after the end of season 4._

 _I don't own Arrow. *sighs*_

* * *

"You're here"

She's sitting in one of the stairs, with a beer bottle in her hand.

"You've asked me to come, so..."

She smiled a bittersweet smile. While he can be so considerate with some things, with others - important things, her mind adds - he seems like he doesn't care.

Except that he does and...

No.

That's not why she asked him to come.

"Then why did you?"

She looked at him and he is hiding a smile.

"I said that out loud. Shit. Well, before I babble and embarrass myself even further, do you want a beer?"

 **x**

They are sitting side by side, without really looking at each other.

She asked him to come to Palmer Tech. They're sitting on the stairs outside, drinking their beer.

If things weren't so strained between them, any bypassed would thing that they're just trying to get drunk in a public place.

Except that there isn't no one, and they've barely touched their drinks.

"You never took me on a date'"

He jumped at the sound of her voice.

"I'm sorry?"

"Well, you can count that awful date as a first date, but since I got knocked down and don't remember much, I don't count as a date so, there."

He's looking at her, waiting for her to continue.

"You're never properly introduced to my mom, we never had the talk about living together, I didn't get to gossip to all of my friends about our first time, and you didn't get any bachelor party."

He's mindlessly playing with his bottle, thinking about everything that she's saying, but not being able to fully comprehend where she's going.

"We didn't get a special occasion to say that we loved each other we just... Went with it."

Loved. That word is leaving a bitter taste in his mouth and he thinks that he has a vague idea at where this is going.

He's not going to like it.

"The only clichés in this relationship are that you're mother hated me and you lied to me."

He winced at her words because they're true. And he knows how upset she was (is?) with the whole matter.

"You've been breaking my heart for a long time." - she takes a deep breath – "but I guess I've been breaking yours too."

 **x**

Even if it's blurry, from her peripheral vision she sees that his shoulders are tense and his jaw is tight.

"I've been in love with you for god knows how long. And I've been crying for you for God knows how long too."

She's looking ahead without really seeing what's in front of her.

"I don't know why I asked you to come. I thought that I had this whole speech prepared but the truth is... When it comes to you, I can't really be prepared for anything"

She's holding back tears and he's gripping the bottle more tighter.

"And it has to stop, Oliver"

 **x**

He's divided between the need to look into her tormented blue eyes and the need to leave and punch something.

But he tries to stand still for her. He waits and in the back of his mind, he keeps asking himself for how much long his heart is going to hurt.

"I never believed in fairytales but I truly thought you were my prince. Blond, blue eyes, with a carefree laugh and the burden to save world on his back."

She has a sad smile on her face and if he could, he would do anything to make it go away.

Except that he can't, because he's the main reason behind it.

"For a while we were happy, because we were avoiding reality, just like we kept avoiding the signs that made it clear that we shouldn't be together."

He takes a sharp breath, ready to interrupt her to say something, anything.

"Please, let me finish this. Please."

 **x**

She's looking at him and, as he sees him nod his head, she continues.

"I'm a genius. Guys like you don't fall for girls like me and that's us breaking another cliché."

She takes a gulp of her beer.

"I was so mad at you Oliver. So, so fucking mad. You were not supposed to lie to me after everything we've been through. You know how my relationship with my father was and all, and you still did it and I hated you."

He scoffs and says, "you can't hate anyone, Felicity."

She's ready to argue, but in the end, "yeah, ok, but I was so angry with you that I thought that I hated you, so don't argue with me on that."

She can see that he's fighting a smile because that babble is so like them in the beginning. It feels like forever ago.

 **x**

"So, what's your veredict?"

One heartbeat. Two.

"I don't have one."

He looks surprised at her, but she's still not meeting his eyes.

"I thought that I could just come here and finish any sort of communication with you because let's face it, we are toxic for each other."

He hates to admit that but she's right.

He just loves her so fucking much to give a damn.

"But then I remembered that we were good friends before everything and, even though you broke my heart more times that I can count, I still want to have you in my life."

It's something, so he allows himself to smile this time.

"But things can't continue the way they are. I still love you with all my heart and all those things that I said at the fake wedding are true. Except that I can't have my heart broken anymore. I just can't."

He nods and for the first time, decides to add something to the conversation.

"The truth is... I can't have my heart broken anymore either."

 **x**

She feels the need to throw up because he's right. She has broken his heart too.

"I'm trying, Felicity. I know that I've made a huge mistake, but like you said, we've been hurting each other for a long, long time. And I know what happiness feels like and I want that. I want easy mornings, texts during the day and arguments in the night. I want all of that with you, but I can't take all the hurt that comes with it, because I'm tired."

She's looking at him and waits until he finishes his first beer and opens his second one.

"So, what do we do now?!"

He's looking - finally! - into her eyes and he can see that she's exhausted too.

"I propose a toast."

Not for the first time that night he's surprised at her suggestion.

"You know that I'm a geek and I love geek things. So I started to read this comic book and the characters are in the middle of a serious discussion and one of them propose a deal and the other propose a toast."

He can see where she's going with it and even though it's against his nature, he finds himself hoping for the best outcome.

"So I say we start over. Let's leave all the bitter things and feelings behind and just... Start over. Even if we're not together in the end, let's do things right this time."

Her heart clenches as she says those words and from the look on his face, he doesn't like the idea either.

He wanted to ask how they're going to do that but he doesn't want to disturb her anymore. Not only that, she's throwing an olive branch and he'd be a fool if he doesn't take it.

He opens her another bottle and raises his own.

"So, what's the toast?"

"To absent friends, lost loves, old gods, and the season of mists; and may each and every one of us always give the devil his due."(1)

She wants to laugh at the look on his face, "What does that even means?!"

She shrugs and says.

"I don't know. But I feel like it suited us, so there."

They toast and drink.

"What now?"

She takes some time mull his words over.

She stands up and turns at his direction. He stands up too, because he's not sure what he's supposed to do.

She's beaming at him and her eyes are so alive that he feels his heart aches in his chest because it's been so long since she had that look on her face.

She offers him her hand and says, "Hi, I'm Felicity Smoak."

Her heart beats faster as she sees the grin on this face. He's happy, he's hoping and she wants to take a picture to keep that image with her forever.

He takes her hand.

"Hi, I'm Oliver Queen."

* * *

 _(1) The toast if from Neil Gaiman's work. It's from Season of Mist, and I truly recommend the reading. It's amazing and it is one of my favorite books ever._

 _I thought about breaking them up and I probably will, if I decide to rewrite this. But the truth is, I love them both too much to do that to them. Not only that, I have a feeling that they won't be together on the show, so this is me trying to heal my broken heart in advance._

 _The title is from the song "Best of Me", of Starting Line._

 _Reviews are appreciated!_


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